News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

What to Do With Your Pile of Bones

Confused Skeleton

Listen, we've all been there. Bones, like so many stacks of dirty dishes, can pile up quickly in your home. But unlike dishes, you don't want to just pour those bones into the back alley. How can you keep your bones, but arrange them in a way that they fit your home decor? Well, here’s a few ideas for turning mortal remains into immortal trimmings.

Create a Ceremonious Bone Heap

Pull that pile apart and take the time to stack it with care. You’d be surprised how a little bit of thought can transform a bunch of old bones into a conversation centerpiece.

Related: More Decorating Tips to Please Your Dark Lord

Make a Doggy Gate

New puppy running around chewing up your favorite shoes? Ten to fifteen femurs tied together with gut string makes an excellent and stylish doggy gate, keeping lil Fido away from your precious loafers. Plus the pup will probably be so busy gnawing that gate, it will forget about your crocs.

Make a Cage out of Bones

Uh...duh. We're surprised you haven't done this already.

Make a Cloak Rack

Screw a few metacarpals to a tibia and bam, it’s a hanger for all your cloaks and robes so that after the ritual orgy everyone goes home in the right robes.

Bone Up Your Tight Five

Incorporate the bones into your prop comedy act to freshen up those hack boner jokes.

Sell the Teeth to Dentists

Where do you think dentures come from? Sell your bones, and make money for your web series!

Sell the Hip Bones to Perverts

Usually also dentists.

Still Have Leftover Bones?

If you simply can’t find a use for all those bones then, donate them to a local coven or cult. The Dark Lord loves mayhem, but doesn’t appreciate you ruining the dark ombre of your unholy communion by tripping over a vertebrae every time you circle the altar.