News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

Difference Between a Dark Lord and The Dark Lord

No Sad Lords.jpg

Many people have sent in questions asking us what's the difference between a Dark Lord and The Dark Lord — besides the article discrepancy. And, honestly, we're offended by the question. Let's break it down.

RELATED: Behold The Power of The Dark Lord

Origin Story

A Dark Lord

A Dark Lord is a true coward who harbors grudges against his parents for some reason, even though all they did was send him to space wizard academy to train with his famous uncle.

The Dark Lord

The Dark Lord has no origin story, for The Dark Lord is an abstraction from our minuscule point of view. The Dark Lord neither begins nor ends. Has no form in our realm yet is not void. Exists in every moment and no moments. Yea, The Dark Lord is a real wicked hardass through and through.

RELATED: Find Out Which Dark Lord You Are

Goals

A Dark Lord

A Dark Lord has nebulous goals like "Be evil" or "Hate my dad" or "Kill my dad." Basically whiny My Chemical Romance bullshit. Yet, somehow, a Dark Lord finds himself ruling an evil cosmic empire.

The Dark Lord

"Goals" implies The Dark Lord has intention, or at least intention we can understand. We are like so many ants in the indifferent gaze of the Dark Lord, who only acknowledges us when He wishes to grind us between His horrid mandibles. 

Powers

A Dark Lord

A Dark Lord manipulates matter to kill his boss and uses a red beam sword to murder his father. He's also got the power of being oddly wide. Other than that, he's basically a soundcloud rapper who loved his grandpa more than anyone should. 

The Dark Lord

The Dark Lord only enters this plane when He sees fit. When He does, His powers appear endless. Mental manipulation and telepathic speech. The ability to manifest on objects in our world like peering through a curtain. The cosmic strength to puppeteer human subjects to murderous ends for the joy of consuming souls.

They're Very Different, OK?

I hope now you can see that a Dark Lord is a real piece of shit baby ass weirdo who doesn't deserve even the most minor of associations with The Dark Lord. Damn baby ass weirdo.


Tips for Dating a Garrett From Work

oh baby

oh baby

Everyone loves a Garrett from work. He's a 10/10 stellar stud whose meat holds his bones with true tenderness. A Garrett is a gift from the Dark Lord Himself, some say.

However, if you’re going to date a Garrett from work, it’s important not to lose sight of the only important thing in this world or the next — acting like a good minion in the depthless eyes of the Dark Lord. Here are some tips for dating a Garrett as a Dark Lord servant.

 

1. Share Common Interests

Make sure you have common interests with your potential Garrett, like ensuring the rebirth of the Dark Lord into an immortal, corporeal vessel. If your potential Garrett is not already a servant of the Dark Lord (or at least respectful of your beliefs), sit them down and have an honest conversation about your fears for their immortal soul — you’re afraid you’ll have to rip it from their sad meatbody and proffer it to the Dark Lord if they don’t willingly embrace His eternal evil.

Give them His book and tell them they have until three in the morning three days from then to decide. (TWO DAYS LEFT GARRETT, TWO DAYS.) Remind Garrett that if they truly love you, they love every part of you and part of you belongs to the Dark Lord. So, Garrett, you kind of already love the Dark Lord, and you might as well make it official. 

If Garrett isn’t willing to do anything for you, Garrett never really loved you in the first place and should give you back that Nintendo Switch you bought for them with money the DARK LORD provided you.

2. Share Common Goals

You and your potential Garrett should have similar goals, like ensuring the rebirth of the Dark Lord into an undying, real world body. Does your Garrett also spend every waking second feverishly plotting the return of his unholy wretchedness, the Dark Lord? If not, remind them that you are very fucking dead fucking serious about it, Garrett, and if they aren’t ready to commit their time and energy to returning the Dark Lord to our realm perhaps they could better serve Him as a soul for Him to nosh on for eternity. Capiche?

3. Sodomy is Very Cool

Don’t be shy about sodomy with your potential Garrett. In the eyes of the Dark Lord, sodomy is the only sex that counts! Why not try Sodomy Sundae Sundays? Eat ass and ice cream all Sunday long! Why didn’t you eat my ass, Garrett? Maybe next time think ahead and don’t eat two bowls of double chunky fudge cherry right before you’re gonna make my-butt-to-Garrett-mouth love! 

4. Set Boundaries

The best thing for your potential Garrett is that they know your boundaries. Let Garrett know that they if stray from a three mile radius around work and your apartment you will know, you come for them, and you will not be fucking happy. Don’t you see, Garrett? You have the Dark Lord, you have work, and you have me — isn’t that enough for you?

If Garrett doesn’t seem to listen very well, the Dark Lord recommends a shock collar.

Remember: these tips are just guidelines, a framework from which you can build a life with Garrett, while still serving and properly abasing yourself in the eyes of the Dark Lord.

5. (Optional) Watch the Dear Dark Lord Teaser