News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

What Happens When You Sell Your Soul

Homer Sells Soul to Devil Flanders for Donut.jpg

Have you followed our guide for selling your soul?

Oh no.

You didn't do it, did you?

You did. Shit. You did it.

Wondering what happens now that you've sold your soul?

We have bad news.

You're Elon Musk Now

This is you.

This is you.

Uh. You're Elon Musk now.

Yeah. You really broke the finger off the monkey's paw, bud.

Sure, you have billions of dollars, but you believe that's a slur.

It's a strange belief. And you know it's incredibly stupid. But you can't suppress it. It bubbles out from your throat like a horde of molting moths.

Worse, this is one of the more mundane thoughts you find gnawing at the front of your mind. Incongruous, irrational thoughts. Seeds you did not plant but find flowering in your gray matter all the same.

You Think We Live in a Simulation...

Thinking we live in a simulation isn't on its face a ridiculous thought. It's certainly possible, and many in pop culture, philosophy, and science have floated it as a theory. 

...a Simulation Designed by Boats

You, however, think that we live in a simulation made by a race of sentient Boats. The Boats in the overworld outside our simulation are gods to you. You never cared for boats before, and you remember a time when they weren't gods. But you sold your soul, so now you are Elon Musk and you worship Boats. You cannot help it.

Boat Worship Consumes Your Life

When you see likenesses of these Boat deities, you are compelled to bow. You often wake up from a fugue state in a marina, kissing the hull of a finely waxed yacht. You own 1,000 pairs of Boat shoes, so you may feel like everywhere you go you are sailing. So you may feel closer to the gods.

You Can't Stop Shooting Cars Into Space

Cars are an affront to Boats. They roll over concrete, burn rubber into the ground, cough carbon into the sky. You tried making cooler cars, cars that were similar to Boats, as a way to heal the world's car blight. (You thought it would be heresy for you to create a Boat — you're not the maker of gods.)

It didn't work. Still, cars rule the world. Even though the Boats designed the world to be made mostly of water, humans insist on cars. 

So you must banish cars into space. One by one, if you have to.

This task consumes your every thought.

Soon, Grimes dumps you. Your family disowns you. Your obsession with sending cars into the void isolates you.

One morning you awake at the marina, nestled in the loving embrace of a Catamaran. You look to the open sea, and you consider sailing away. Away from roads and the metal beasts that traverse them. Away from the world that does not understand your labyrinthine terror.

But you head to shore, and you prepare another rocket.

A tear forms in your eye as another car ascends into the black night.

How to Sell Your Soul

Watch an 8-part video tutorial for selling your soul.

Hi, friend! I am the Ham meat, SEO Manager for the web series Dear Dark Lord.

In need of quick cash, but don't want to apply for one of those scam payday loan lenders? You're in luck, you walking bone cage! Here's a guide to help you sell your soul.

Learn More About Selling your Soul By Watching These Damn Vids

How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

Oh baby. Wanna sell your soul to the big boss? This guy's like the Gamestop of souls — he's always buying them used. To sell your soul to Satan himself, you just gotta follow these steps:

  1. Take a bath. This is done out of respect for the Devil.

  2. Focus, and set up your space with one or more black, blue, or red candles (as many as you'd like to commemorate your pac with Satant).

  3. Light your candle(s).

  4. Write your pact with any pen or quill — explain exactly what you want, how it should be given to you, when you want it, and the reason you are asking for it from the Devil.

  5. Prick a finger with a pin, and dip your pen in your blood.

  6. Sign your pact in blood so the Devil may read it.

  7. Burn the pact.

Related — What Happens When You Sell Your Soul

How to Sell Your Soul to the Illuminati

Ham's sorry to say this, but selling your soul to the Illuminati is much more difficult. You can't just sign a pact in blood. You have to demonstrate your willingness to give yourself to the cause. What's the cause? Oh, I don't know, CONTROLLING THE DING DANGED WORLD??? 

I recommend becoming some big timey meat. Try becoming the CEO of a company, for instance. The Illuminati is sure to notice that. Once you've been a real cruel CEO pal for some time, you'll likely be invited to join the Illuminati. Then, you can exchange your soul for fame, power, and a TIDAL subscription.

How to Contact a Demon to Sell Your Soul

Not necessarily looking for the big Satan boss, eh? I'm an understanding Ham. For some, any old Demon will do. Thing is, ya gotta summon a specific one, buddy! If you're looking to make money for your soul, Ham recommends the demon of greed, Mammon. Here's how you sell your soul to him.

First, obtain the following:

  • Owl Rope Bracelet

  • Mammon Pendant

  • A speaker from which to play Mammon's ancient evil incantations

  • A black robe

  • A piece of thick rope

  • Five large candles

  • Chalk

  • A Bible

With your summoning materials in hand, you can get to summoning Mammon, Ham man!

  1. Find a quiet, private room in your home or office where you can lock the door.

  2. Cease thinking pure or positive thoughts, and start thinking real nasty things. Like how you want to go through the express lane at Mariano's with no less than 30 slabs of artisan meat.

  3. Speak these wretched words:

    "evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw
    yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv, yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv
    yam uoy eb sselb htiw sehcir rof efil

    evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw
    yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv, yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv
    yam uoy eb sselb htiw sehcir rof efil"

  4. Draw a pentagram with your chalk. Use your rope to make sure the pentagram's lines are straight.

  5. Place your five candles at the five points of the pentagram.

  6. Open your Bible to Psalm 23, and step into the pentagram with your back to the main point of the star.

  7. Speak Psalm 23 in tandem with the following line two times to anger Mammon:
    "Demons suck
    They look like muck
    I don't give a fuck."

After you've spoken these truly nasty words, friend, Mammon himself will be coming for ya! The candles' flames will intensify, and the lines in the pentagram will start to fade. But don't be a scared flesh bag, now! Tell Mammon you want some gosh darned money. Speak with authority. He'll ask what he gets outta the deal, and the answer will be your soul, pal!

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Sell Your Soul Online

Neither Satan, the Illuminati, or Mammon have yet to set up an online shop. Sorry, pals! 

But Ham Stevens, SEO Wizard at Dear Dark Lord, is happy to take your soul! I'll eat it right up and become big big meat. I am the Ham man, my love! A normal human who loves SEO. 

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