News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

How to Become a Dark Lord

Dark Lord on Throne

Oh baby. You want the power of a Dark Lord? Well, you're in luck, cuz me (who is named Ham Stevens) wants to help you get it. Read on to learn how you can become a Dark Lord!

Related: Take Our "Which Dark Lord Are You?" Quiz

Write the Word "Failure" on a Picture of Malala Yousafzai

Youch. That'll hurt. Prove your Dark Lord credentials by making your negative feelings toward this heroic young woman clear!

Claim There's Nowhere to Move When People Try to Get By You on the Subway

On a crowded train with people trying to get off it? Stand in a doorway or aisle, and refuse to move. When people ask you to move, look at them and ask, "Where am I going to go?" — as if they're the ones in the wrong.

Write a Review of "Caillou" on Amazon Wherein You Boast You Can Kick Caillou's Ass

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Caillou is a wimp, and you could totally kick his ass. But is this opinion worth sharing? Definitely not, unless you're a truly Dark soul. Share your thoughts on this bald baby boy on Amazon, and get Dark Lordin'!

 

 

Feast Upon a Soul or Souls — Virginal or Otherwise

Easiest way I know to become a Dark Lord — besides selling your soul — is to start soul eating. First, befriend the target or targets whose soul(s) you would like to eat. I'd recommend finding a virginal soul if you can — I like to troll through alt-right incel message boards for my virgin meat.

Then, invite them on a camping trip. Find a nice patch of open grassland, and suggest you set up camp there. When the moon rises (better it be either full or new), break out your decapitated deer's head, and place it on your head like a mask. Begin chanting your chosen soul-eating incantations — my go-to is:

Yum yum, chew the chum. Meat meat, it's you I eat. Whole whole, consume the soul.

The target(s) will then go limp, and you can gaze at their bellies and eat their souls! You'll be a Dark Lord in no time!

Make Your Part-Time Employees Check Their Email After Hours

While you may think this is just an exploitative, dickish move, it's actually one of the best ways to become a Dark Lord. If your boss has done this to you, they may secretly be a Dark Lord, baby!

This is Peter. Drink his milk.

This is Peter. Drink his milk.

Drink the Milk of the Black Goat

His name is Peter, and he wants you to drink of his milk. Wish to consume the creamy white devil's juice? Get to it, you ascendent Dark Lord!

How to Sell Your Soul

Watch an 8-part video tutorial for selling your soul.

Hi, friend! I am the Ham meat, SEO Manager for the web series Dear Dark Lord.

In need of quick cash, but don't want to apply for one of those scam payday loan lenders? You're in luck, you walking bone cage! Here's a guide to help you sell your soul.

Learn More About Selling your Soul By Watching These Damn Vids

How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

Oh baby. Wanna sell your soul to the big boss? This guy's like the Gamestop of souls — he's always buying them used. To sell your soul to Satan himself, you just gotta follow these steps:

  1. Take a bath. This is done out of respect for the Devil.

  2. Focus, and set up your space with one or more black, blue, or red candles (as many as you'd like to commemorate your pac with Satant).

  3. Light your candle(s).

  4. Write your pact with any pen or quill — explain exactly what you want, how it should be given to you, when you want it, and the reason you are asking for it from the Devil.

  5. Prick a finger with a pin, and dip your pen in your blood.

  6. Sign your pact in blood so the Devil may read it.

  7. Burn the pact.

Related — What Happens When You Sell Your Soul

How to Sell Your Soul to the Illuminati

Ham's sorry to say this, but selling your soul to the Illuminati is much more difficult. You can't just sign a pact in blood. You have to demonstrate your willingness to give yourself to the cause. What's the cause? Oh, I don't know, CONTROLLING THE DING DANGED WORLD??? 

I recommend becoming some big timey meat. Try becoming the CEO of a company, for instance. The Illuminati is sure to notice that. Once you've been a real cruel CEO pal for some time, you'll likely be invited to join the Illuminati. Then, you can exchange your soul for fame, power, and a TIDAL subscription.

How to Contact a Demon to Sell Your Soul

Not necessarily looking for the big Satan boss, eh? I'm an understanding Ham. For some, any old Demon will do. Thing is, ya gotta summon a specific one, buddy! If you're looking to make money for your soul, Ham recommends the demon of greed, Mammon. Here's how you sell your soul to him.

First, obtain the following:

  • Owl Rope Bracelet

  • Mammon Pendant

  • A speaker from which to play Mammon's ancient evil incantations

  • A black robe

  • A piece of thick rope

  • Five large candles

  • Chalk

  • A Bible

With your summoning materials in hand, you can get to summoning Mammon, Ham man!

  1. Find a quiet, private room in your home or office where you can lock the door.

  2. Cease thinking pure or positive thoughts, and start thinking real nasty things. Like how you want to go through the express lane at Mariano's with no less than 30 slabs of artisan meat.

  3. Speak these wretched words:

    "evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw
    yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv, yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv
    yam uoy eb sselb htiw sehcir rof efil

    evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw
    yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv, yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv
    yam uoy eb sselb htiw sehcir rof efil"

  4. Draw a pentagram with your chalk. Use your rope to make sure the pentagram's lines are straight.

  5. Place your five candles at the five points of the pentagram.

  6. Open your Bible to Psalm 23, and step into the pentagram with your back to the main point of the star.

  7. Speak Psalm 23 in tandem with the following line two times to anger Mammon:
    "Demons suck
    They look like muck
    I don't give a fuck."

After you've spoken these truly nasty words, friend, Mammon himself will be coming for ya! The candles' flames will intensify, and the lines in the pentagram will start to fade. But don't be a scared flesh bag, now! Tell Mammon you want some gosh darned money. Speak with authority. He'll ask what he gets outta the deal, and the answer will be your soul, pal!

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Sell Your Soul Online

Neither Satan, the Illuminati, or Mammon have yet to set up an online shop. Sorry, pals! 

But Ham Stevens, SEO Wizard at Dear Dark Lord, is happy to take your soul! I'll eat it right up and become big big meat. I am the Ham man, my love! A normal human who loves SEO. 

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How to Make Money on the Dark Web

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Making Dark Web Money with Ham Stevens

Hi. I am Ham Stevens, SEO Genius at Dear Dark Lord.

Wowza!

Looking to make money on the dark web? As a casual human, I have done this many times. Here are my tips for making money on the dark web!

Have Sex with Paul Ryan

That's right, Paul Ryan is on the Dark Web, buddy! Show him what it means to be a true "Fountainhead," and he'll compensate you well. Ham Stevens had him Paul Cryin' in no time ;)

Related: We Had Sex with Paul Ryan for $$$ and Made a Web Series

Ask a Dark Web Friend for Money

You're likely scared of the Dark Web. I was for a while, too, pal! But it turns out you can ask for money from friends on the Dark Web, and they'll send it over in no time. No strings attached.

Invest in Bones

As you well know by now, Ham is a big fan of bone-based transactions. While most meat has a limited amount of bones to sell before it falls apart, you'll find plenty of bones on the Dark Web. Invest in bones, and sell'em back for a premium, baby!

Cover Up for One of Paul Ryan's Many Trysts

Uh oh, small Paul ain't feeling so tall at all! Someone leaked the beans about his proclivity for secret smooches on the Dark Web, and now he needs help covering up this burgeoning scandal. Rumor is he'll pay a premium to bury this story. If you're looking for an opportunity to make some money on the Dark Web, hit Mr. Speaker up!

We Made a Show Using Dark Web Money???