News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

Tips for Dating a Garrett From Work

oh baby

oh baby

Everyone loves a Garrett from work. He's a 10/10 stellar stud whose meat holds his bones with true tenderness. A Garrett is a gift from the Dark Lord Himself, some say.

However, if you’re going to date a Garrett from work, it’s important not to lose sight of the only important thing in this world or the next — acting like a good minion in the depthless eyes of the Dark Lord. Here are some tips for dating a Garrett as a Dark Lord servant.

 

1. Share Common Interests

Make sure you have common interests with your potential Garrett, like ensuring the rebirth of the Dark Lord into an immortal, corporeal vessel. If your potential Garrett is not already a servant of the Dark Lord (or at least respectful of your beliefs), sit them down and have an honest conversation about your fears for their immortal soul — you’re afraid you’ll have to rip it from their sad meatbody and proffer it to the Dark Lord if they don’t willingly embrace His eternal evil.

Give them His book and tell them they have until three in the morning three days from then to decide. (TWO DAYS LEFT GARRETT, TWO DAYS.) Remind Garrett that if they truly love you, they love every part of you and part of you belongs to the Dark Lord. So, Garrett, you kind of already love the Dark Lord, and you might as well make it official. 

If Garrett isn’t willing to do anything for you, Garrett never really loved you in the first place and should give you back that Nintendo Switch you bought for them with money the DARK LORD provided you.

2. Share Common Goals

You and your potential Garrett should have similar goals, like ensuring the rebirth of the Dark Lord into an undying, real world body. Does your Garrett also spend every waking second feverishly plotting the return of his unholy wretchedness, the Dark Lord? If not, remind them that you are very fucking dead fucking serious about it, Garrett, and if they aren’t ready to commit their time and energy to returning the Dark Lord to our realm perhaps they could better serve Him as a soul for Him to nosh on for eternity. Capiche?

3. Sodomy is Very Cool

Don’t be shy about sodomy with your potential Garrett. In the eyes of the Dark Lord, sodomy is the only sex that counts! Why not try Sodomy Sundae Sundays? Eat ass and ice cream all Sunday long! Why didn’t you eat my ass, Garrett? Maybe next time think ahead and don’t eat two bowls of double chunky fudge cherry right before you’re gonna make my-butt-to-Garrett-mouth love! 

4. Set Boundaries

The best thing for your potential Garrett is that they know your boundaries. Let Garrett know that they if stray from a three mile radius around work and your apartment you will know, you come for them, and you will not be fucking happy. Don’t you see, Garrett? You have the Dark Lord, you have work, and you have me — isn’t that enough for you?

If Garrett doesn’t seem to listen very well, the Dark Lord recommends a shock collar.

Remember: these tips are just guidelines, a framework from which you can build a life with Garrett, while still serving and properly abasing yourself in the eyes of the Dark Lord.

5. (Optional) Watch the Dear Dark Lord Teaser

5 Ways to Decorate for The Dark Lord

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Simple Suggestions to make your Humble Domicile Acceptable to the Dark Lord

Clean Up Your Bone Heaps

Find everyday uses for those bones lying around your apartment (if you're not selling them). Sure, everyone knows the most exquisite pleasure on this mortal plane is the satisfaction of drinking blood red chateauneuf du pape out of your enemies' skulls, but there are other uses for those shabby old bones you’ve got piled up in unceremonious heaps. The Dark Lord loves bones, but he isn't a slob. Clean up those bones!

Read More: Finding Uses for Your Pile of Bones

Get rid of all that light!

Just like being a parent, being a good servant to the Dark Lord is a 24/7 job that doesn’t stop because the sun came up. You can’t keep your den of evil running all day every day if the dank, cave-like atmosphere the Dark Lord prefers floods with heinous natural light from your wall-length bay windows. He's called the Dark Lord, doofus! Here's how to destroy the light:

  • Paint over your windows with chalkboard paint. Now you’ve got a surface to etch runes, write down the names of the Dark Lord’s enemies, or keep a shopping list.
  • Replace your lamps with a single, wavering candle.
  • A simple tip that newcomers often forget: Turn off your lights, ya sad flesh!
  • Put your bed in the closet, and declare the closet your new home — both so you can live and darkness and sleep all day.
  • Move to a basement, cave or hole in the ground.

Dig Up Some New Pieces of Decor

It’s not hard to dig up some great pieces for your space. Head down to your local cemetery next witching hour and pick up some amazing additions to any room lacking that deathly je ne se quois.

  • Bring an empty vase and fill it with grave dirt. Set it on your windowsill to fill your house or apartment with the scent of locally sourced decay.
  • Steal a gravestone and mount it on the wall in your office. Sure, it’s a little bit ‘college’, but some things never go out of style.
  • Urns filled with ashes make fantastic coffee table pieces — not to mention human ashes make a deliciously effective substitute for cumin in a culinary pinch.

Buy Some Plants and Let Them Die

Stop watering your plants you carbon coward. The Dark Lord loves dead houseplants. Duh!

(Note: Do not kill your plants with force. The Dark Lord will only be pleased if he knew the plants suffocated and suffered.)

How to Become a Dark Lord

Dark Lord on Throne

Oh baby. You want the power of a Dark Lord? Well, you're in luck, cuz me (who is named Ham Stevens) wants to help you get it. Read on to learn how you can become a Dark Lord!

Related: Take Our "Which Dark Lord Are You?" Quiz

Write the Word "Failure" on a Picture of Malala Yousafzai

Youch. That'll hurt. Prove your Dark Lord credentials by making your negative feelings toward this heroic young woman clear!

Claim There's Nowhere to Move When People Try to Get By You on the Subway

On a crowded train with people trying to get off it? Stand in a doorway or aisle, and refuse to move. When people ask you to move, look at them and ask, "Where am I going to go?" — as if they're the ones in the wrong.

Write a Review of "Caillou" on Amazon Wherein You Boast You Can Kick Caillou's Ass

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Caillou is a wimp, and you could totally kick his ass. But is this opinion worth sharing? Definitely not, unless you're a truly Dark soul. Share your thoughts on this bald baby boy on Amazon, and get Dark Lordin'!

 

 

Feast Upon a Soul or Souls — Virginal or Otherwise

Easiest way I know to become a Dark Lord — besides selling your soul — is to start soul eating. First, befriend the target or targets whose soul(s) you would like to eat. I'd recommend finding a virginal soul if you can — I like to troll through alt-right incel message boards for my virgin meat.

Then, invite them on a camping trip. Find a nice patch of open grassland, and suggest you set up camp there. When the moon rises (better it be either full or new), break out your decapitated deer's head, and place it on your head like a mask. Begin chanting your chosen soul-eating incantations — my go-to is:

Yum yum, chew the chum. Meat meat, it's you I eat. Whole whole, consume the soul.

The target(s) will then go limp, and you can gaze at their bellies and eat their souls! You'll be a Dark Lord in no time!

Make Your Part-Time Employees Check Their Email After Hours

While you may think this is just an exploitative, dickish move, it's actually one of the best ways to become a Dark Lord. If your boss has done this to you, they may secretly be a Dark Lord, baby!

This is Peter. Drink his milk.

This is Peter. Drink his milk.

Drink the Milk of the Black Goat

His name is Peter, and he wants you to drink of his milk. Wish to consume the creamy white devil's juice? Get to it, you ascendent Dark Lord!