News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

How to Sell Your Soul

Watch an 8-part video tutorial for selling your soul.

Hi, friend! I am the Ham meat, SEO Manager for the web series Dear Dark Lord.

In need of quick cash, but don't want to apply for one of those scam payday loan lenders? You're in luck, you walking bone cage! Here's a guide to help you sell your soul.

Learn More About Selling your Soul By Watching These Damn Vids

How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

Oh baby. Wanna sell your soul to the big boss? This guy's like the Gamestop of souls — he's always buying them used. To sell your soul to Satan himself, you just gotta follow these steps:

  1. Take a bath. This is done out of respect for the Devil.

  2. Focus, and set up your space with one or more black, blue, or red candles (as many as you'd like to commemorate your pac with Satant).

  3. Light your candle(s).

  4. Write your pact with any pen or quill — explain exactly what you want, how it should be given to you, when you want it, and the reason you are asking for it from the Devil.

  5. Prick a finger with a pin, and dip your pen in your blood.

  6. Sign your pact in blood so the Devil may read it.

  7. Burn the pact.

Related — What Happens When You Sell Your Soul

How to Sell Your Soul to the Illuminati

Ham's sorry to say this, but selling your soul to the Illuminati is much more difficult. You can't just sign a pact in blood. You have to demonstrate your willingness to give yourself to the cause. What's the cause? Oh, I don't know, CONTROLLING THE DING DANGED WORLD??? 

I recommend becoming some big timey meat. Try becoming the CEO of a company, for instance. The Illuminati is sure to notice that. Once you've been a real cruel CEO pal for some time, you'll likely be invited to join the Illuminati. Then, you can exchange your soul for fame, power, and a TIDAL subscription.

How to Contact a Demon to Sell Your Soul

Not necessarily looking for the big Satan boss, eh? I'm an understanding Ham. For some, any old Demon will do. Thing is, ya gotta summon a specific one, buddy! If you're looking to make money for your soul, Ham recommends the demon of greed, Mammon. Here's how you sell your soul to him.

First, obtain the following:

  • Owl Rope Bracelet

  • Mammon Pendant

  • A speaker from which to play Mammon's ancient evil incantations

  • A black robe

  • A piece of thick rope

  • Five large candles

  • Chalk

  • A Bible

With your summoning materials in hand, you can get to summoning Mammon, Ham man!

  1. Find a quiet, private room in your home or office where you can lock the door.

  2. Cease thinking pure or positive thoughts, and start thinking real nasty things. Like how you want to go through the express lane at Mariano's with no less than 30 slabs of artisan meat.

  3. Speak these wretched words:

    "evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw
    yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv, yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv
    yam uoy eb sselb htiw sehcir rof efil

    evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw, evilc smailliw
    yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv, yam ruoy gnitirw og lariv
    yam uoy eb sselb htiw sehcir rof efil"

  4. Draw a pentagram with your chalk. Use your rope to make sure the pentagram's lines are straight.

  5. Place your five candles at the five points of the pentagram.

  6. Open your Bible to Psalm 23, and step into the pentagram with your back to the main point of the star.

  7. Speak Psalm 23 in tandem with the following line two times to anger Mammon:
    "Demons suck
    They look like muck
    I don't give a fuck."

After you've spoken these truly nasty words, friend, Mammon himself will be coming for ya! The candles' flames will intensify, and the lines in the pentagram will start to fade. But don't be a scared flesh bag, now! Tell Mammon you want some gosh darned money. Speak with authority. He'll ask what he gets outta the deal, and the answer will be your soul, pal!

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Sell Your Soul Online

Neither Satan, the Illuminati, or Mammon have yet to set up an online shop. Sorry, pals! 

But Ham Stevens, SEO Wizard at Dear Dark Lord, is happy to take your soul! I'll eat it right up and become big big meat. I am the Ham man, my love! A normal human who loves SEO. 

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