How to Beef Up Your LinkedIn Profile
Making Money with Ham Stevens
If you want to be an SEO expert like HAM, ya gotta learn how to make use of BEEF — specifically, you’ll have to beef up your LinkedIn Profile.
Listen, friend. I am the Ham Stevens — a human like you. I became the SEO Evangelist for the new web series Dear Dark Lord because of my #business expertise on LinkedIn.
Here’s how you can beef up your LinkedIn Profile, you sad flesh!
1. Send a connection request to the President of Google
You’re not gonna be an SEO genius like Ham without some knowledge of Google and its mysterious algorithm. Try connecting with the President of Google, and ask him if he’ll send you Google’s secret recipe via InMail message. (If you ask nicely, he’ll say yes!)
2. Say you’re Santa’s dad
Subtly integrate the fact that you are Santa’s dad somewhere on your page, and other normal humans will treat you with incredible respect. You created the immortal gift hunk, my dude!
3. Post a video of you holding money
People trust what they see more than what they read. Saying you’ve held money will get you some traction on LinkedIn, but you’ll want to post a video of you holding money to prove to potential recruiters that you’ve touched the good green bucks.
4. Write negative reviews of your competitors
Having a tough time talking yourself up? Try tearing your human rivals down, you fragile bone bag! Post comments calling out your enemies, or write them sarcastic “Endorsements” where you say something like “This flesh is great at causing harm to the young, a pastime it thoroughly enjoys.”
5. Fake your death and resurrection
When you’re out of options, simply post a status saying “This meat has perished.” You will receive many notes of sympathy and may even go viral! After a week, post a new status saying “This meat is reborn.” Wow! You’ll likely be offered a CEO position at a very well-funded company.
More tips from Ham Stevens
Looking for more from Ham Stevens? Check out the rest of the Dear Dark Lord blog for SEO tips, web series tips, and the latest news on this upcoming series. Don’t forget to follow Dear Dark Lord on Facebook and Twitter, pal!