News, Tips, and Ham Stevens

How to Become a Dark Lord

Dark Lord on Throne

Oh baby. You want the power of a Dark Lord? Well, you're in luck, cuz me (who is named Ham Stevens) wants to help you get it. Read on to learn how you can become a Dark Lord!

Related: Take Our "Which Dark Lord Are You?" Quiz

Write the Word "Failure" on a Picture of Malala Yousafzai

Youch. That'll hurt. Prove your Dark Lord credentials by making your negative feelings toward this heroic young woman clear!

Claim There's Nowhere to Move When People Try to Get By You on the Subway

On a crowded train with people trying to get off it? Stand in a doorway or aisle, and refuse to move. When people ask you to move, look at them and ask, "Where am I going to go?" — as if they're the ones in the wrong.

Write a Review of "Caillou" on Amazon Wherein You Boast You Can Kick Caillou's Ass

Caillou Review.png

Caillou is a wimp, and you could totally kick his ass. But is this opinion worth sharing? Definitely not, unless you're a truly Dark soul. Share your thoughts on this bald baby boy on Amazon, and get Dark Lordin'!



Feast Upon a Soul or Souls — Virginal or Otherwise

Easiest way I know to become a Dark Lord — besides selling your soul — is to start soul eating. First, befriend the target or targets whose soul(s) you would like to eat. I'd recommend finding a virginal soul if you can — I like to troll through alt-right incel message boards for my virgin meat.

Then, invite them on a camping trip. Find a nice patch of open grassland, and suggest you set up camp there. When the moon rises (better it be either full or new), break out your decapitated deer's head, and place it on your head like a mask. Begin chanting your chosen soul-eating incantations — my go-to is:

Yum yum, chew the chum. Meat meat, it's you I eat. Whole whole, consume the soul.

The target(s) will then go limp, and you can gaze at their bellies and eat their souls! You'll be a Dark Lord in no time!

Make Your Part-Time Employees Check Their Email After Hours

While you may think this is just an exploitative, dickish move, it's actually one of the best ways to become a Dark Lord. If your boss has done this to you, they may secretly be a Dark Lord, baby!

This is Peter. Drink his milk.

This is Peter. Drink his milk.

Drink the Milk of the Black Goat

His name is Peter, and he wants you to drink of his milk. Wish to consume the creamy white devil's juice? Get to it, you ascendent Dark Lord!