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Difference Between a Dark Lord and The Dark Lord

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Many people have sent in questions asking us what's the difference between a Dark Lord and The Dark Lord — besides the article discrepancy. And, honestly, we're offended by the question. Let's break it down.

RELATED: Behold The Power of The Dark Lord

Origin Story

A Dark Lord

A Dark Lord is a true coward who harbors grudges against his parents for some reason, even though all they did was send him to space wizard academy to train with his famous uncle.

The Dark Lord

The Dark Lord has no origin story, for The Dark Lord is an abstraction from our minuscule point of view. The Dark Lord neither begins nor ends. Has no form in our realm yet is not void. Exists in every moment and no moments. Yea, The Dark Lord is a real wicked hardass through and through.

RELATED: Find Out Which Dark Lord You Are

Goals

A Dark Lord

A Dark Lord has nebulous goals like "Be evil" or "Hate my dad" or "Kill my dad." Basically whiny My Chemical Romance bullshit. Yet, somehow, a Dark Lord finds himself ruling an evil cosmic empire.

The Dark Lord

"Goals" implies The Dark Lord has intention, or at least intention we can understand. We are like so many ants in the indifferent gaze of the Dark Lord, who only acknowledges us when He wishes to grind us between His horrid mandibles. 

Powers

A Dark Lord

A Dark Lord manipulates matter to kill his boss and uses a red beam sword to murder his father. He's also got the power of being oddly wide. Other than that, he's basically a soundcloud rapper who loved his grandpa more than anyone should. 

The Dark Lord

The Dark Lord only enters this plane when He sees fit. When He does, His powers appear endless. Mental manipulation and telepathic speech. The ability to manifest on objects in our world like peering through a curtain. The cosmic strength to puppeteer human subjects to murderous ends for the joy of consuming souls.

They're Very Different, OK?

I hope now you can see that a Dark Lord is a real piece of shit baby ass weirdo who doesn't deserve even the most minor of associations with The Dark Lord. Damn baby ass weirdo.


Yes, the Dark Lord Wants to Consume Humanity. But You Have to Respect His Office.

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In an age of polarization and politicalization, wherein people across the political spectrum see each other as mortal enemies, discourse has taken a disquieting turn toward the uncivil. Gone are the days of Henry Clay, the great compromiser. Now we have Antifa and the Alt-Right. Anarchist Socialists and Nazis. Worse, even the more reasonable among us get their blood boiling so quickly; many have taken to slandering their political opponents rather than speaking to them.

And yes, this is a bigger issue on the left.

Most recently, I have witnessed this in regards to a major existential issue — the Dark Lord. The left are quick to characterize the Dark Lord as "evil" or "horrific" or "pro mass murder," rather than debating His points in a calm, rational way. This only emboldens the Dark Lord's supporters, and the left would be wise to find ways to peacefully make their points so as to win over Dark Lord followers to their side.

I'm No Fan of the Dark Lord

Listen, I'm not a supporter of the Dark Lord (though I'm sure some on the left will say I might as well be based on this article). Him and His followers have made their positions clear — slay human sacrifices in ritual worship so as to create enough vessels and magick energy in order to open a portal to the nether plane through which the Dark Lord can come and reclaim the Earth as His rightful domain. They don't hide this position, and I do not agree with it.

Yet I Respect His Position

However, I would never immediately dismiss the Dark Lord's positions as "abhorrent" or "plainly in favor of the death of millions," as many on the left would. I respect that the Dark Lord is an Eldritch Being far older than my mind can comprehend. He has worked hard to earn distinction as a Lord, and He has accomplished much to earn the adulation of His followers. I acknowledge that He has spoken to people in a way others haven't, and I respect His and His followers' rights to pursue their goals.

How to Debate a Dark Lord Supporter

Indeed, I argue that a more reasoned response to the Dark Lord's assertions will do far more to convert His followers to the side of the anti-Dark Lord population.

When you encounter a Dark Lord supporter — a group whose numbers are growing rapidly — refrain from name calling or face punching. Remember, this is a human being whose opinion is equally valid to yours.

Instead, I propose the following counterpoints to the Dark Lord's positions. Observe how I willfully engage with the opinion before explaining why it could be problematic.

"We should engage in human sacrifices."

On the face of it, I could see why this is appealing. Many cultures used to follow sacrificial practices, and it brought them a sense of peace. However, sacrifices are a form of murder, which is illegal. Thus, sacrifices should not be practiced. I hope this helps you see the issue in a different way.

"We should create human vessels for the Dark Lord."

All idealogical and religious movements seek to draw more members to their flock; I cannot fault you for that. The issue is that creating human vessels denies that vessel their autonomy. So, I must respectfully disagree with this position. I hope you have a good day.

"We should open a portal to the nether plane so the Dark Lord may conquer Earth."

We can't argue with what an awe-inspiring sight a portal to the nether plane would be — and what a scientific accomplishment it would be to open a door to another world. Who are we to halt the progress of science? Well, the issue here is that science sometimes leads us to ruin. Like Icarus with his wings, we risk burning ourselves by letting the Dark Lord come claim dominion over our world. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening, and good luck.

The Importance of Civility

Whereas Michelle Obama claimed that "When they go low, we go high," the post-2016 election left has proved the opposite. Whenever someone on the left stoops to the level of the ugliness of the extreme right, they undercut the major arguments of their supposedly compassionate platform. They prove unwilling to engage in civil debate.

I believe this is a faulty way to approach these issues, as I have outlined above. This is why I have agreed to meet with a Dark Lord follower for dinner this evening. Believe it or not, she's a human with a life and a job. In fact, she's an interior decorator.

She has promised me a "hearty meal" and "cutting discussion" — discussion on the issues. Yes, I am going to actually speak to someone with whom I disagree, lefties. In her home. Alone.

No vitriol. No hatred. No insults. Adults discussing disagreements with mutual respect.

She even requested I leave my phone at home so we could have our discussion without distraction and avoid the urge to immediately tweet our discontent.

I will publish my thoughts on the discourse tomorrow. I am sure we will have a productive discussion, and I hope we become quick friends.


About the Author: Bari Weiss is a staff editor in the opinion section at The New York Times. She graduated from Columbia University in 2007 and has been an active journalist since then. Her writing often focuses on the discourse surrounding social issues.

Tips for Dating a Garrett From Work

oh baby

oh baby

Everyone loves a Garrett from work. He's a 10/10 stellar stud whose meat holds his bones with true tenderness. A Garrett is a gift from the Dark Lord Himself, some say.

However, if you’re going to date a Garrett from work, it’s important not to lose sight of the only important thing in this world or the next — acting like a good minion in the depthless eyes of the Dark Lord. Here are some tips for dating a Garrett as a Dark Lord servant.

 

1. Share Common Interests

Make sure you have common interests with your potential Garrett, like ensuring the rebirth of the Dark Lord into an immortal, corporeal vessel. If your potential Garrett is not already a servant of the Dark Lord (or at least respectful of your beliefs), sit them down and have an honest conversation about your fears for their immortal soul — you’re afraid you’ll have to rip it from their sad meatbody and proffer it to the Dark Lord if they don’t willingly embrace His eternal evil.

Give them His book and tell them they have until three in the morning three days from then to decide. (TWO DAYS LEFT GARRETT, TWO DAYS.) Remind Garrett that if they truly love you, they love every part of you and part of you belongs to the Dark Lord. So, Garrett, you kind of already love the Dark Lord, and you might as well make it official. 

If Garrett isn’t willing to do anything for you, Garrett never really loved you in the first place and should give you back that Nintendo Switch you bought for them with money the DARK LORD provided you.

2. Share Common Goals

You and your potential Garrett should have similar goals, like ensuring the rebirth of the Dark Lord into an undying, real world body. Does your Garrett also spend every waking second feverishly plotting the return of his unholy wretchedness, the Dark Lord? If not, remind them that you are very fucking dead fucking serious about it, Garrett, and if they aren’t ready to commit their time and energy to returning the Dark Lord to our realm perhaps they could better serve Him as a soul for Him to nosh on for eternity. Capiche?

3. Sodomy is Very Cool

Don’t be shy about sodomy with your potential Garrett. In the eyes of the Dark Lord, sodomy is the only sex that counts! Why not try Sodomy Sundae Sundays? Eat ass and ice cream all Sunday long! Why didn’t you eat my ass, Garrett? Maybe next time think ahead and don’t eat two bowls of double chunky fudge cherry right before you’re gonna make my-butt-to-Garrett-mouth love! 

4. Set Boundaries

The best thing for your potential Garrett is that they know your boundaries. Let Garrett know that they if stray from a three mile radius around work and your apartment you will know, you come for them, and you will not be fucking happy. Don’t you see, Garrett? You have the Dark Lord, you have work, and you have me — isn’t that enough for you?

If Garrett doesn’t seem to listen very well, the Dark Lord recommends a shock collar.

Remember: these tips are just guidelines, a framework from which you can build a life with Garrett, while still serving and properly abasing yourself in the eyes of the Dark Lord.

5. (Optional) Watch the Dear Dark Lord Teaser