Simple Suggestions to make your Humble Domicile Acceptable to the Dark Lord
Clean Up Your Bone Heaps
Find everyday uses for those bones lying around your apartment (if you're not selling them). Sure, everyone knows the most exquisite pleasure on this mortal plane is the satisfaction of drinking blood red chateauneuf du pape out of your enemies' skulls, but there are other uses for those shabby old bones you’ve got piled up in unceremonious heaps. The Dark Lord loves bones, but he isn't a slob. Clean up those bones!
Get rid of all that light!
Just like being a parent, being a good servant to the Dark Lord is a 24/7 job that doesn’t stop because the sun came up. You can’t keep your den of evil running all day every day if the dank, cave-like atmosphere the Dark Lord prefers floods with heinous natural light from your wall-length bay windows. He's called the Dark Lord, doofus! Here's how to destroy the light:
- Paint over your windows with chalkboard paint. Now you’ve got a surface to etch runes, write down the names of the Dark Lord’s enemies, or keep a shopping list.
- Replace your lamps with a single, wavering candle.
- A simple tip that newcomers often forget: Turn off your lights, ya sad flesh!
- Put your bed in the closet, and declare the closet your new home — both so you can live and darkness and sleep all day.
- Move to a basement, cave or hole in the ground.
Dig Up Some New Pieces of Decor
It’s not hard to dig up some great pieces for your space. Head down to your local cemetery next witching hour and pick up some amazing additions to any room lacking that deathly je ne se quois.
- Bring an empty vase and fill it with grave dirt. Set it on your windowsill to fill your house or apartment with the scent of locally sourced decay.
- Steal a gravestone and mount it on the wall in your office. Sure, it’s a little bit ‘college’, but some things never go out of style.
- Urns filled with ashes make fantastic coffee table pieces — not to mention human ashes make a deliciously effective substitute for cumin in a culinary pinch.
Buy Some Plants and Let Them Die
Stop watering your plants you carbon coward. The Dark Lord loves dead houseplants. Duh!
(Note: Do not kill your plants with force. The Dark Lord will only be pleased if he knew the plants suffocated and suffered.)